Breetelgeuse

Love is a choice
Love is a choice
Love is a choice
Love is a choice
Love is a choice
Love is a choice
Love is a choice 
Love is a choice
Love is a choice
Love is a choice
Love is a choice
Love is a choice
Love is a choice
Love is a choice 
Love is a choice
Love is a choice
Love is a choice
Love is a choice
Love is a choice
Love is a choice
Love is a choice 
Love is a choice
Love is a choice
Love is a choice
Love is a choice
Love is a choice
Love is a choice
Love is a choice 
Love is a choice
Love is a choice
Love is a choice
Love is a choice
Love is a choice
Love is a choice
Love is a choice 
Love is a choice
Love is a choice
Love is a choice
Love is a choice
Love is a choice
Love is a choice
Love is a choice 
Love is a choice
Love is a choice
Love is a choice
Love is a choice
Love is a choice
Love is a choice
Love is a choice 
Love is a choice
Love is a choice
Love is a choice
Love is a choice
Love is a choice
Love is a choice
Love is a choice 
Love is a choice
Love is a choice
Love is a choice
Love is a choice
Love is a choice
Love is a choice
Love is a choice 
Love is a choice
Love is a choice
Love is a choice
Love is a choice
Love is a choice
Love is a choice
Love is a choice 
 

That isn’t always the reason behind me saying nice things, but I try to treat others as I wish to be treated. Powerful, sensitive, firm, kind. Whatever words come out I pray they are never intended to harm but to help. I often feel accomplished after I make a positive statement regarding my belief in who that person is: It’s like, I know they want to hear words like that, but more importantly they need it. I can be such a jokester yet at my core I am such a softy who wants to change the world.

My boyfriend says stuff like, “You look cute today,” when I’m dressed a little snazzy and am wearing a little more makeup. 

But when I’m natural….Ohhh lordy when I’m natural he goes………………….”You look beautiful. Just gorgeous.” 

SUCH A KEEPER, TELLING ME THINGS I DESERVE TO HEAR AND LIKE TREATING ME LIKE A QUEEN. ALWAYS PUTS ME FIRST whoa caps sorry guyz

I just hope nobody important ever finds my Tumblr. Y’know, ‘cause they don’t like me posting about them anywhere else. Boy, if they only knew of this site… Lol. I don’t care. It’s kind of humbling, though, hearing that they don’t want you to post stuff about them even if it’s just to lift them up and tell the world how great of a person they are. My grandmother used to steal pictures and things us kids posted on Facebook and we would get so mad at her. She just wanted to share with the world her love and pride in her kids and her kid’s kids. I feel bad.

Respected. Love without respect is impossible. Those you respect you end up loving anyway. Thanks, Chris Christie. Ha.

On my days off I know I am supposed to be working on everything that I can’t get done when I work at my job, but something within me just always says, “Relax. You won’t get many days like this when you’re older.” At what point do I ignore that and get on with the day? When I get on with the day, is that when I am officially an adult? This isn’t a lazy Monday. I hiked, swam, ran, walked, climbed, waited on people, hardly ate healthy, sang my heart out, cuddled, and thought and thought this weekend, and am just physically exhausted beyond the norm.

Today, I have to do laundry. I have to cook. I have to clean. I have to organize. I have to pray. I have to write music. I have to make huge life decisions. It is already 2:00pm. All of that is delayed so far because I am still lying in bed on my computer. I often feel that tug of pressure (I’m actually not sure what it really is or where it is stemmed, probably from my parents or society) that I’m not doing much with my life and that I HAVE to start doing something right away so I feel like I am making all of the time I have on Earth worth my while. I am feeling that right now. I think I’m just hungry and guilty beyond belief.

Onto the topic of love. I don’t know what it is about him that changed my stubborn, independent attitude. It may just be his very existence, his entity, and his presence in my life that changed the fact that I used to truly believe that I could wait and am too young for all of this. Now, I am eager to grow closer to him. I yearn to. I ache for him, his touch, his assurance, his attention. Knowing nobody else knows him the way I do makes me feel worthy and special. I won’t lie, the closer I get to him, the more about myself is revealed. I am desperate, self-conscious, sometimes really insecure in who I am. I come to this realization just by looking at him. How weird is that? That I see myself within him. He brings Brigitte out. Ooooh, shivers.

At this point, I just really want to call him my boyfriend. That’s the next step, realistically, socially, logically. I keep looking back to how things were and how different our friendship was a while ago. The truth of this whole thing is that we can never, never, ever, ever go back to how things used to be. Judging solely on how I feel about him right this very moment I am completely fine with that. We grow ever closer with each day. I haven’t stopped learning about him yet and know I may never which is so exciting.

And then I compare this situation to my relationship with Christ. Indeed, God is love. ««««« This revelation has answered a ton of my life questions. I often wonder about specific aspects of love- what it really is, where the proof is that it really exists, how I know it’s real, where it is found… These same things I once wondered about God Himself. And as I dive deeper into the Bible, the definition of love is made ever clear and I see life differently. “Love is patient, love is kind. Love does not envy or boast, it is not proud. It doesn’t keep a record of wrongs. It is not easily angered, it is not self-seeking, and rejoices in truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves.” Something like that. What a beautiful thing, love. It is literally written out and defined for me on paper. So far in my life I have not experienced anything that proves this definition wrong.

So, when I think of what a perfectly functioning relationship is, I HAVE to look at the one between me and God. There is no other place I can turn to. People suck and are inconsistent. So, where is the ultimate example of what my love should be like? God has been nothing but accepting, caring, comforting. HE himself as an entity has been patient and kind with me. He has virtually no temper when I mess up. He does not envy the relationships I have with others because He knows I am His. He doesn’t brag about anything, nor is He prideful. I could kill a man, have sex before getting married, lie to my parents, underage drink, do cocaine, go 90mph in a 65, steal, anything and everything. Then, when I finally break down and face Him like the coward I am, He still takes me in and erases all of the things I have done (That’s what it is about- Being made new, reborn). God is love. I want to be love, too.

Love is the purpose of my existence. I came into the world because HE loved me and am expected to live out a life of LOVE because “He first loved us.” Sure, I often fear that my family does not see all of the love I can possibly give to them. It really starts at home, in private with my parents and siblings. If I can’t love them, how could I ever expect to show love to anyone else? Friends, boyfriends, strangers…? I also fear that Jesse may not understand that I am trying to learn to love him. Fear is just a four letter word. It is a petty excuse not to give my all in everything I do. Agape love, the highest form of love in the Greek language. God is agape. Unconditional, true, sacrificial. I want that tatted. Agape.

Anyway, yeah. Love is great. I want to be Jesse’s girl. I want to grow closer to God. This has been a Monday post. 

Honestly, I’ve been a real mess lately. I’ve been all over the place. Both emotionally and spiritually, I have struggled to maintain my composure and I feel as though every single one of my thoughts has been written on my face, clear as triply-filtered water for all to see. Haha. I apologize to those who saw me mess up recently, who witnessed me in my times of low self-esteem and worth. I am such a hypocrite that I don’t deserve to live and call myself a Christian. I don’t deserve these blessings, this raise, this higher position, this esteem boost, this confidence in myself. It’s like, God knows just when to show up whenever I am at my lowest point. I can’t sit here and not shout it out. Just listen for once.

Yeah, I may have slipped several times in the past couple months, but the world is yet to see me fall. I won’t give up. God’s grace is greater still. His love for me is everlasting. My cup runneth over even when I’m selfish enough to say I am not thirsty. I wish others lived this life with me. I sometimes wish God wasn’t the only one observing my every waking moment with me. I swear to you that if you were me, you would understand why I believe so strongly in what I do and live by. You could see God the way I see Him, the ways He has worked in my wimpy life alone. He’s the only good thing within me. Whenever He’s not there, which has been often, it’s obvious. Non-Christians can tell when He isn’t there. That’s what is so weird about all of this- I yearn to be genuine and wholehearted about sharing my faith and triumphs and love because they can all tell when you fake it. Life is such a struggle. No matter what happens to me, no matter who sees me at any given point in my life, let it be that I give all of the honor and glory to my King. He’s the king of kings. Not me. I am but a grain of sand with an ounce of knowledge of love.

“If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don’t love, I’m nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. If I speak God’s Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, “Jump,” and it jumps, but I don’t love, I’m nothing. If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.”

I thank God for the life He has given me. I thank God for the billions of chances He has given me. I thank God for the times He has shown up when I called for His presence in a situation. I thank God for saying, “No.” I need to hear it. I thank Him for saying, “Just wait and be patient. I warn you, I will delay my promises when you act up.” Seriously… I thank Him for always taking me back when I have practically spit in His face. I thank Him for His unconditional love…

I thank Him for being silent sometimes. That way, I can learn what is HIM moving and what is just a feeling of comfort, warmth, and satisfaction. I thank Him for His lack of movement. 

I thank Him for being heavily involved in every situation that I face, whether He makes it known or not. I thank Him for hovering, for being an overprotective parent, for having MY best interest at heart. I thank Him for staying up late at night for me to come home safely. When I arrive, no matter how long I’ve been gone and no matter if I’ve lied to Him, He loves me anyway. He opens His doors and His arms and welcomes me as if I never left.

I thank God for being God, and not my interpretation of Him.

It’s about 11:15 on the road. I am crying my eyes out on the way home, just driving in the dark. Holy crap. I am in love. I am helplessly in love. First thing I check with myself: Hold on, are you sure? Don’t throw out words like that if you’re not sure… Are you sure?

Yeah, I am 100% sure. I don’t even question whether or not that it’s real. It is. I am in love. I don’t know what to do with myself. What do I do? I have never been this crazy. I have never not known what to do with myself… Dot dot dot. Crap. But, he doesn’t even tell me how he feels. What’s going on in his head? What is his heart is doing? What is he even doing? Don’t ask me I just don’t know I don’t know I don’t know. All I know is I am in love with him. Face down. In my pillow. Giant sighs. Wait, do people cry when they realize they are in love?

I am so vulnerable ewwwwwwwwww ah this is so personal hahaha look at me so dumbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb with hella b’s please pray 4 m3 diz post is getting more gh3tt0 than evrr

Here is where I let out a giant sigh. I have experienced so much romance lately that I am the most calm, collected, not-worrisome Bree there ever was. I am warm, comforted, always welcome… Naturally, I wonder if it is too soon to tell, but for once I am simply enjoying the company of hugs, kisses, and time. It’s weird!! That has never happened! It’s like, I have complete control over what happens, but in a sense I really don’t and I only think I do because I can choose my literal actions. Infatuation is real, so love must be. I hope this is permanent. I could really use this comfortability and safety for the rest of my life. Love, sweet love… Finally, not the other thing.

Bring me a husband.

Listen. Since I was about fourteen I thought people getting married young was foolish, unwise, on the verge of desperate, etc. A few weeks ago I was praying. Hardcore, face in pillow, crying my eyes out mid-afternoon kind of prayer. In that moment, I was seeking more of His presence and for clarity in my current life situation. I was praying for strength, for God to show me where I am headed, to open doors and to reveal where life will take me next. I began praying not only for the near future, but I began asking for God to show me a huge shift that I need to make in order to grow in general and especially with my music. I prayed for His hand upon my songwriting, my voice and fingers, for inspiration. For clarity. Almost 2 hours go by and I hear this voice saying, “You need to get married first.” I kid you not.

I began crying harder, weeping now. Okay, God, I prayed, if that is you saying that, let your will be done. Seriously, just take over. I am nothing without you. Bring me my husband, then. I am trusting you. Everything I have asked for you have provided me with and more. I give it up to you and my hope rests on your timing.

Wow. Mind you, I am only nineteen years old. I will be twenty in a few short months. I know I am young. I have mocked myself and others for being so young. I’ve written so many songs about being young that it has almost turned into a joke at this point. So, yes, I am nineteen years *young* and the thing I believe I must do is get married. It all makes complete sense- I’ll get eaten alive by dirty men no matter where I go. I will surely be tempted. Can you imagine me being single and extraordinarily known for my music? Seems odd. 1 Corinthians 7 talks about marriage and how it is better to stay single. Well, it also says it is better to get married than to burn with lust. TROOOOTH.

Something that has always stuck in my mind to watch for at concerts is the ring on the musicians finger(s), mostly at Christian shows. It seems as though before all the big names in music ventured off into the world of music, they got married first. Many rings on many fingers. Not that I compare myself to others on that level necessarily, but it make sense that I get married before I run off and do big things and fulfill my giant dreams. It is actually the wiser of the two, rather than to run around the music industry without a ring on my finger and someone to come home to.

As I said, I will be tempted. I am so passionate it is not a joke. 1 Corinthians 7 talks about not being able to control passion. I do not believe I will ever give in before I marry, but I am tempted everyday. I don’t think it is fair for me to meet a man (I think I know who it is, by the way) and bring along my inability to control my lustful desires and crap. It seems so unprepared and childish of me to bring any baggage into a relationship and I need to work on a few things within myself before I believe this will really happen. Full on, though, I am ready. I no longer think or talk about how I am in NO way getting married anytime soon. Well, I know it needs to happen. I also know I am stubborn and impatient. Pray for me, guys. Ha.