Breetelgeuse

Honestly, I’ve been a real mess lately. I’ve been all over the place. Both emotionally and spiritually, I have struggled to maintain my composure and I feel as though every single one of my thoughts has been written on my face, clear as triply-filtered water for all to see. Haha. I apologize to those who saw me mess up recently, who witnessed me in my times of low self-esteem and worth. I am such a hypocrite that I don’t deserve to live and call myself a Christian. I don’t deserve these blessings, this raise, this higher position, this esteem boost, this confidence in myself. It’s like, God knows just when to show up whenever I am at my lowest point. I can’t sit here and not shout it out. Just listen for once.

Yeah, I may have slipped several times in the past couple months, but the world is yet to see me fall. I won’t give up. God’s grace is greater still. His love for me is everlasting. My cup runneth over even when I’m selfish enough to say I am not thirsty. I wish others lived this life with me. I sometimes wish God wasn’t the only one observing my every waking moment with me. I swear to you that if you were me, you would understand why I believe so strongly in what I do and live by. You could see God the way I see Him, the ways He has worked in my wimpy life alone. He’s the only good thing within me. Whenever He’s not there, which has been often, it’s obvious. Non-Christians can tell when He isn’t there. That’s what is so weird about all of this- I yearn to be genuine and wholehearted about sharing my faith and triumphs and love because they can all tell when you fake it. Life is such a struggle. No matter what happens to me, no matter who sees me at any given point in my life, let it be that I give all of the honor and glory to my King. He’s the king of kings. Not me. I am but a grain of sand with an ounce of knowledge of love.

“If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don’t love, I’m nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. If I speak God’s Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, “Jump,” and it jumps, but I don’t love, I’m nothing. If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.”